I know I can't be alone in daydreaming about a utopia where "boy"-ness and "girl"-ness isn't binary; where children feel true freedom to like exactly what it is that they like. For the time being, with society the way it is right now, this is my letter to you, fellow mamas of white boys.
“How pretty! Oh... I mean handsome!”
Miles was perched on my hip and we were rocking slowly back and forth in the waiting room at his pediatrician’s office, there for his nine-month checkup. The doctor was running late, and Miles was starting to fuss after 40 minutes of charming his fellow waiting patients.
“It’s okay!” I quickly smiled, correcting the kind older woman who’d peered over to coo at him. “Boys can be pretty, too!”
She looked at me, a little concerned. Was I admonishing her? I tried to smile a little bigger, but she turned away.
Socially awkward situations aside, I'm here to tell you that it's more important than ever for mamas of white boys to intentionally cultivate softness in our sons. It's okay that they be pretty, or gentle, or kind, or emotional. We should all want it that way. It's the simplest way to counteract the insidious messages our patriarchal society is sending to them – that running "like a girl," crying when hurt or upset, or enjoying something just because it's beautiful makes them lesser because these choices have been traditionally labelled "feminine." Through our support and celebration of these traits, they will begin to learn that these are not bad things to be – that a girl or a woman is not a bad thing to be, that girls and women are not lesser than them.
We must let them own this softness, too. It must be part of their "boy"-hood. Our sons need to know and believe that wanting to play with a Barbie or crying when frustrated or picking a tutu for dress-up is part of being a boy. It's not simply that it's feminine that we celebrate their choice to paint their toenails, but rather, or in addition, because it's theirs. An expression of their taste or style or favorite color, just as normal and natural to "boy"-ness as they may understand an interest in toy cars to be.
These messages have been seeded into our brains too, buried down deep along with all the other garbage we've endured or experienced coming up as women. Giving intention to anything means also giving some of your energy to it. It's taken work and therapy on my part to dismantle, or at least critically examine, the biases that I'm bringing to the table. And as a parent I have to check myself daily – when I'm shopping at Target I go on purpose to the girls' clothing sale racks first. I suggest to Miles's grandparents that they select pink or purple toys when they buy gifts for him. He wears lots of hand-me-down clothing, and as it comes in waves from the growing 2-year-old boy who lives across the street, we sort through and intentionally donate what feels a little too heavy-handed when it comes to dump trucks or superheroes or even the color blue. (Yes, he does wear clothing with tools on it – his last name is Hammer, so that's pretty inevitable – but he also wears rainbow rompers, pj's with pink stripes, and the gosh-darn sweetest bonnets you've ever seen.)
Have you noticed that I'm talking specifically about white boys? That's intentional, too; it's privileged folk who most need to adjust our behavior, biases, and expectations of ourselves and others. As mothers of white sons, we have the opportunity to affect that real change for all of the children in their generation. Black mamas are busy teaching their sons how to stay alive in a deeply broken country where young black men are exponentially more likely to be killed during an interaction with police – not to mention the countless other prejudices men and people of color face and have faced since America's very first days.
So is this the responsibility of mothers alone? No. Everyone has work to do. But it should come built into the #boymom brand. You know – the pride we as "boy moms" take in our ability to correctly identify obscure construction equipment; to discern quickly whether a rough-house injury requires a trip to the ER or not; to toss a good tee-ball pitch. (Although since Miles was born I have, and this is true, gotten much better at playing catch.) So too must we bake this important work in to our mothering. We are the shapers of white men. The responsibility to raise kind, good, fair boys rests, at least partially, on our shoulders.
Are you a boy mama? Is this something you think about? I'd love to hear what kind of intentional adjustments you've made in raising your sons, or any good articles, books, or resources that have resonated with you.
You might like:
- The Feminist Utopia Project [affiliate link] + my review
- 5 ways to teach kids about consent
- American Girl's first boy doll
- 23 ways you might experience internalized misogyny
- Men report the "feminine" things they would do if stereotypes didn't exist (<-- this made me cry)
- Misogyny has been proven harmful to men's health
- Motherhood as a feminist act
- No means no when boys say it too
- 5 ways to teach children how to handle romantic rejection
- How to combat rape culture when raising kids
- Everything on this list
