On Saturday I got back from four days in San Diego. It was my first time in California, and I was baffled that in the amount of travel time it would've taken me to get to western Europe, I was still in the United States (barely, though – not to sound too too much like Sarah Palin, but I could see Mexico from my hotel). I felt so far away from home.
I did all the traveling by myself which, 10 years ago, would have thrilled me. I did love parts of it on this trip too. I'm forever grateful to have the relative confidence necessary to set out on my own and be a successful solo traveler. The older I get, though, the worse my flight anxiety gets – as in, it now exists at all. I don't know how it happened. I do know I want not to give it enough power to stop me doing something exciting. So I cope, with an eye cover and a pill (or two).
My flights out, last Tuesday, all became scrambled due to one plane's delay. I ended up on three connecting flights instead of two (and have since vowed to never fly again if it's not direct – we'll see if that proclamation holds). At least two distinct moments stand out during which I had to force myself to continue with the plan and not burst into tears, rent a car, and just drive the rest of the way.
Luckily, San Diego was there at the other end to catch me in her 67º weather. I had a few beautiful days attending an incredible conference for work, exploring Ocean Beach and the Gaslamp District, and eating room service French fries in bed while watching cable TV. The whole city smelled like a greenhouse. The plants awed me. Birds of paradise, just growing out in the world? It did not get old.
The Saturday spent flying back was easier. Two straightforward flights, both complete with TV screens embedded in the seat before me at eye level. I tuned out from the flight, selecting one movie after another, and made a mental note that this is how I must fly in the future. Exhausted and elated to be back home with Kristie and Samson, I fell asleep – hard – at midnight.
Sunday was uneventful. I crossed off the two items that together comprised my to-do list (unpack and take a shower) and spent the rest of the day in clean PJ's, cat-napping on the couch and casting on a new knitting project – trying to push down thoughts of Monday.
Here we are. Luck would have it that while I was gone, our big work project finally launched. It's a cause for celebration, and also for meetings and phone calls and emails rippling out continually from the launch. The next few days and weeks will be busy while we cross our T's and dot our I's, challenging what we've created to meet the needs of everyone at the college. It thrills me.
And, today, it's making me anxious. Like, airplane-anxious.
That level of anxiety is what my system has been used to the past week, so that's my default. At least today, and maybe tomorrow. I'm taking deep breaths, soothing myself with the knowledge that these problems and opportunities are not missing luggage. They're not being unable to find a taxi in an neighborhood I'm not familiar with while the sun steadily sets. They're not wondering whether the sandwich I just ate half of was really made with gluten-free bread as ordered (it wasn't, btw).
Travel is much less stressful when things don't go wrong, or when you're with people you trust to wake you up when your group is called to board. I don't think this phase of travel-triggered anxiety is enough to put me off adventuring. It was worth it to get new ideas at the conference, to see new freckles sprouting up behind a light sunburn, to talk to new people whose paths would never have crossed with mine otherwise. Simply being outside in the depths of March felt indulgent and luxurious. Worth it.
And? Next time – especially if things don't go to plan – I'll be ready to be a little kinder to myself in the days following. To understand that I need emotional space to re-calibrate. Not to avoid everyday life, but simply to understand that it might feel different. That jet lag will play a role. That things will settle and fall into place and I will feel normal again, soon.
