I've been doing it a little bit at a time – thinking and processing, letting myself mourn and grieve in waves separated by lulls of distraction, acts of self-preservation and protection. I've never felt my privilege so distinctly – the time before the mass shooting in Orlando, the targeting and execution of people who were gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer...my identity had never felt like something dangerous. I knew we were in the minority, but had never myself felt marginalized. I've paid close attention to our community's long, sad history, the violence and hatred that the people who identified as other than heterosexual who had come before my generation experienced and faced every day for living and loving in a way that they knew was true. I know my feelings of safety and acceptance were due in large part to the work and fighting and sacrifice of those who came before. But it felt...done. How naïve of me.
One of the deceptions of living in a place like Northampton is that you start to think everywhere is like it is here, that everybody respects and believes and loves you for who you are. But it's not like that everywhere. That feeling of privilege has been cracked, lost. Replaced by vulnerability, fear, and deep, deep sadness for those lives lost in Florida, and for every member of our community mourning around the world. The more time I spend on Facebook, the heavier it gets. This anger, rage felt by my friends and family members and people I don't know is necessary, and real, and scary. And it's big. So let's give ourselves permission to do this little by little. Grieve and mourn and remember and start to heal and call ever more loudly for change.
I shared this Kurt Vonnegut quote on Facebook last night, with the following: I want to tell you it's okay to be kind to yourself tonight. Cuddle with an animal; have a cup of the tea you've been trying to save. Step away from the internet if you need to. Ask to not be touched, or to be touched extra. Let yourself feel sad, or distracted, or furious, or vulnerable, or scared. Watch all three Jurassic Park movies on Netflix. Make a donation to an LGBT organization, or to one that saves stray animals, or one that provides meals for seniors. Check in with your body. Do something that smells good (light a candle, use nice hand lotion, bake something). That's all I've got. Think about kindness tonight, for yourself and for others.